Helping My Boys Build Confidence Without Comparing Themselves to Others

One of the things I’ve noticed for a long time with one of my boys is that confidence doesn’t always come easily to him.

He has learning differences and sometimes finds things harder than his younger brothers. Over time, I think he became very aware of that. Without anyone saying anything, he had started quietly comparing himself to other kids.

Recently something happened that really highlighted how much this was affecting him.

At school the children had free drawing time. What should have been a fun activity became really emotional for him. If the drawing didn’t turn out exactly how he imagined it in his head, he became very frustrated.

When he got home that day he asked if we could download the Simply Draw app.

He had never mentioned it before, but I agreed and set up the seven-day trial.

Later that evening he went off to practise drawing. After a while I could hear the frustration building again. He was trying so hard to make the drawing look exactly how he wanted it to, and becoming overwhelmed when it didn’t.

That’s when he explained something that completely broke my heart.

He told me he wanted to learn to draw better so that when it was free drawing time at school, he could draw well like his friends.

He had been quietly comparing himself to the other kids.

For a child who already experiences learning challenges, moments like this can really impact confidence. When something matters to them and they want to do it well, the pressure they put on themselves can be huge.

In that moment I realised this wasn’t really about drawing.

It was about how he saw himself.

I started thinking about how I could help him understand that learning takes time and that nobody gets things perfect straight away.

Explaining big ideas like confidence and mindset to kids can be tricky. Talking about it without something concrete just wasn’t landing.

So I created a really simple visual that explains the difference between a fixed mindset and a growth mindset.

Instead of sitting the boys down for a serious conversation, I approached it in a light-hearted way.

I said something like:

"You know how I help other children sometimes? I made this visual and I’d love your feedback on whether it makes sense."

Framing it this way took the pressure off them. They weren’t being corrected or taught something, they were helping me improve something for other kids.

We printed the visual and put it in their bedrooms and on the fridge so it was easy to refer back to.

INSERT YOUR VISUAL HERE

Since then, something really interesting has happened.

The boys now recognise the difference between fixed thinking and growth thinking themselves.

Sometimes if negative self-talk pops up, we refer back to the visual. Other times it even turns into a bit of humour in our house. There have definitely been a few jokes about whether certain things are “fixed mindset thinking” including a discussion about whether I should take them to Queensland!

What surprised me most was how quickly they understood the concept once it was visual.

Recently a practitioner visiting our home jokingly quizzed them with different examples of thinking. The boys were immediately able to say things like:

“That’s fixed mindset.”
“No, that one’s growth mindset.”

That moment really showed me how powerful simple visuals can be. A concept that might normally feel quite complex suddenly became clear and meaningful to them.

Many neurodivergent children can be especially vulnerable to developing a fixed mindset over time. This isn’t because they lack ability, but because their learning experiences are often different from those of their peers. Children who experience learning differences, sensory sensitivities, processing differences, or heightened emotional responses may face repeated situations where tasks feel harder or take longer to complete. Over time these experiences can quietly shape how a child sees themselves. If a child frequently feels “behind,” misunderstood, or overwhelmed, it can lead to thoughts like “I’m just not good at this” or “there’s no point trying.”

Helping children understand that learning takes time and that mistakes are part of the process can help rebuild confidence and encourage them to keep trying, even when something feels challenging.

Sometimes the smallest tools, like a simple visual on the fridge can open the door to much bigger conversations about confidence, learning and self-belief.

If sharing this helps even one other family, then it’s worth it.

Evidence-Based Research

The concept of a growth mindset was developed by psychologist Carol Dweck and describes the belief that abilities and intelligence can develop over time through effort, practice and learning.

Research has shown that when children believe their abilities can improve, they are more likely to persevere through challenges and remain motivated when tasks feel difficult.

Further reading:

• Dweck, C. (2006). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success
• Australian Council for Educational Research (ACER) – research on student motivation and perseverance
• ReachOut Schools Australia – resources on growth mindset and student wellbeing
• NSW Department of Education – growth mindset resources for learning